what to do when your 4 year old hits you

Does your toddler suddenly haul back and hit you lot in the midst of a sweet and playful time together?

Or does he impulsively smack other children, even his own siblings?

If your toddler hits, let me reassure you lot that you haven't failed at parenting. And when your toddler hits y'all, your piffling one isn't nether a mysterious spell.

At that place'south nil bad about your child.

Whenever a toddler hits, in that location are unseen forces at work. Emotional forces.  Although your toddler may have a poker face, or might fifty-fifty be laughing as they hit, the aggression is being driven by emotion.

Usually, that emotion is fear.

First and foremost, y'all need to know that your toddler doesn't desire to injure you or anyone else, and they certainly don't want to become "the bad child" in your mind.

When your toddler hits they don't need punishment; in fact, penalty and time out can hands brand it more likely that they will hitting in the futurity.

What does your toddler demand to stop hitting?

Your toddler needs y'all.

Sometimes when a toddler hits information technology's experimental.  That volition subside.

Toddlers are young and eager scientists. They experiment nighttime and day—that'south how they acquire how things work. It'south how they build their storehouse of understanding about their parents, their playmates, and how the world around them works. So, news just in, toddlers hitting. Information technology's one thing almost every toddler will experiment with.

If it's your kid'due south first or 2d or third hit, take it easy.

The thing to practise is to gently, calmly motility their arm abroad from the person they are hit, so they tin can't striking again.

You can let them effort. Just keep their arm from landing on you or anyone else. Balmy words like, "No, that doesn't feel good," or, "I tin't let you do that," might exist helpful.

You want to give your toddler information, not a blast of reaction.

If you don't react wildly (and equally long as your toddler isn't witnessing striking in their daily life), the hitting experiments will play themselves out. After a few tries, it volition lose its novelty, and your toddler volition motility on to climbing, or running, or throwing assurance, or playing with the kitty.

Don't know how to reply un-wildly? This video explores how to end assailment with play.

If you respond with harshness when your toddler hits, his hit behavior volition persist.

Odd though it may seem, if you come up down hard when your toddler hits, you are likely to blast the hit behavior onto their daily routine, making it more probable to reappear.

When we react with upset to our children, they internalize our upset.

They add our upsets with them to the number of things that affright them.

Your child volition experience driven to try hitting again, considering they didn't understand why you yelled, or hit back, or grabbed their arm hard and dragged them to a seat in the corner.  This happens considering your toddler'southward heed can't make sense of your behavior. It scared them, and then they return to try it once more and again in some effort to make sense of it.

Pretty presently, any time they start feeling alone or scared, their listen will tell them, "Hit. That's what you do when you feel badly—you lot striking."

So the discipline methods many parents consider to be "natural consequences" or "deserved punishments" become part and parcel of a behavior cycle your kid falls into more and more, often when they aren't feeling skilful.

Our children's fears cause hitting.

Not all children striking when they're scared—it's non the merely instinctive human being reaction to the feeling of fear. But it is ane of our innate fear responses. So whether your child smiles while they are hit, or looks impassive, or simply hits when they are clearly upset, you can safely assume that if your child is hitting, it's because they are feeling scared.

Laughter is i of the means children release their feelings of fear, and so striking is sometimes accompanied by laughter—your child is trying hard to release tension,  but tin can't laugh it abroad fast enough to stop themselves from launching a hit or two.

About children hide their feelings of fear at an early historic period. They choice up on our uneasiness with their big feelings. We try to become them not to cry, we distract them when they're upset, we try to fix things so they won't have an upset.

Feeling that are repressed don't go abroad

I would wager that most of the states parents give at to the lowest degree x strong signals a solar day that we don't like our children to bear witness united states how they feel. So their fears get clandestine, where these powerful feelings cause problem. They eventually surface not in crying or clinging or a full-out screaming response, but in hitting and biting and pushing other children.

Hidden feelings cause trouble. Hitting is just 1 sign that a kid is troubled by his fears. Waking in the dark, tantrums, refusing to try new things, thumb-sucking, and mostly picky behavior all can exist signs that your child has had to swallow their feelings, and that the stored emotions are hard for them to manage.

Step #1 When your toddler hits:  Offer a gentle, attentive barrier.

It's pretty simple to help a toddler terminate impulsive, repetitive hitting. Go shut at a fourth dimension when you recollect they are probable to hit—anticipating the beliefs will help y'all to respond without reacting. That means y'all accept to detect when your mind starts telling you, "Oh, I wonder if she'll hit. She'due south getting pretty close to that younger child…I promise she doesn't!"

That thought is your indicate to calmly become to your child, and to be gear up.

Hope won't get y'all to the solution. Preparedness will.

Footstep #two The "Friendly" Patrol

So do a friendly patrol with your kid—get close, be warm, don't requite exact warnings. Those do goose egg to douse the heat of the fright inside  that makes them want to hit.

When your toddler's arm reaches out, gently block their thrust with your ain arm or mitt. Or only hold their hand or arm gently as they arroyo a playmate, so they tin't strike suddenly. You are the prophylactic director. It's your task to insure that no one gets hit.

As they try to strike, only keep the hitting from landing, and say gently, "I can't allow you do that." Then offer eye contact. Stay there. Don't huff off, don't scold, don't say anything else at all. Simply concur their arm, gently, and be with them.

Step #3 Upsets find another way out

If you're quiet and calm, and you've gently prevented your kid from striking, the feelings that drive the hit will bubble up. They'll feel intensely uncomfortable. They'll begin to cry, or sweat, or tremble, or fall downward in a tantrum.

This, nosotros know, is an odd perspective, but it's 1 that makes all the divergence: you want their feelings to tumble out in a neat big emotional wave. You lot want all that negative energy out of them, not hiding in the corners of their mind waiting to cause trouble.

Step #4 Listen. Your support is a powerful antidote to the fear that causes hitting.

While your child is upset, it helps them profoundly when you can be loving and at-home. They won't take to be agape of your impulsive behavior or your disapproval. Instead, your child tin concentrate on letting all that tension tumble out.

Maybe they'll cry. Or they may begin to perspire while they scream. Your child might arch their back in your arms, or throw themselves on the footing.

They might kick and flail.

Believe it or non, the more than vigorous their reaction, the better the upshot of their emotional episode. They are expelling bad feelings—fear, in particular—using your calm presence as their signal that they are free to let go of the feelings that have infected their behavior.

What to say

Here are some of the things yous can say, gently, interspersed with long intervals of simple supportive listening, when your toddler hits. Merely talk a flake at present and so, to permit them know you lot come across how hard they are working to become their fears out of their system:

• "I know you like Jasper and I won't allow you striking him."
• "No 1 is mad at you. You're my special girl, and I volition stay right here with y'all."
• "I'g correct here, keeping y'all safe."
• "You're going to accept a practiced morning with your friends. I'll stay until things are but right with them."
• "I'm lamentable this is difficult. Your day will get well after this."
• "Whatever scared yous is over. It's not going to happen again."
• "No, we don't need to go home. I think you can have a good time here, in just a while. Information technology's OK to stay here."

Listen for lxxx% of the time, speak with warmth in your voice and a big heart for your struggling child.

Information technology's a natural process

Your child is doing what they were born to do—get rid of stress in a wild but efficient way. If you can ballast them while they practise the emotional piece of work, they'll be a very different little person when they are done. The emotional bad dream will be over. The fear will evaporate—perchance not all of it, but nigh likely enough of it that they are able to exist happy again, and to accept a better day than usual.

Staylistening, (as we call this way of supportive listening), to your child simplifies your life as a parent. Toddlers hit because of "emotional gunk." You aid to clear your kid'due south mind of emotional gunk, so your child can think more clearly. This ways that you don't demand to lecture, you don't need to recite the principles of proper handling of friends, you lot don't need to list the rules of your household or in the play grouping, either earlier, during, or later a hitting incident in which you pace in to hold a expert limit.

You tin trust that your child knows how to treat others well. When they are in their correct heed, their rational mind, they will. Your child knows how to exist a friend. And by bringing a salubrious limit, then Staylistening, yous help them to reclaim the chance to be in their right mind, free from leftover feelings of fearfulness.

Tosha Schore on the Joyful Courage Podcast Episode #65 talks about getting into "skilful parenting shape." Mind in if you find it difficult to Staylisten when your toddler hits.

Hither's how it can work.

I went to the park 1 afternoon with the babe, my toddler son, and his friend. At some point, the friend tried to hit my son when he was on the slide. I gently picked her up off the slide, telling her that I couldn't let her hurt him or anyone else. She arched back and wailed at the top of her lungs.

I connected to calmly talk to her and tell her that I couldn't allow her hurt herself or anyone else, and tried as gently every bit I could to maintain concrete contact with her body. She screamed, "I want my mommy!" over and over. Certainly if her mother was right there, that would take been fine, only I didn't experience totally safe walking home with the three kids with her in that state. It was a few blocks and I had the babe in a carrier. I was concerned that she wouldn't listen to me if I needed her to concur my hand or non run then fast. I softly told her these things.

There was a moment where I tried to give her a little more physical infinite and she took off running out of the playground towards our home. Then I gently gathered her back up, telling her that I couldn't let her go home by herself. The crying, holding and talking went on for quite some fourth dimension, mayhap 20-30 minutes, ebbing and flowing. I wasn't sure what other parents were thinking. At one indicate one of the parents looked at me, smiled, and said, "I'one thousand taking notes."

Additionally, I was intermittently attention to my baby and my son, who sat close to me with a concerned look on his face.

We were now sitting on a demote and she started to tell me that she wanted to get on the swing. I told her that we had to expect until there were 2 swings bachelor, for both toddlers, and she started to wail again. This ebbed and flowed a few times.

Finally, I felt like we could at least wander over to the swings, and every bit nosotros got in that location, the other kid left then she and my son went on the swings together, with me pushing.

When it was fourth dimension to get abode, I asked them if they wanted me to stop the swing for them, or just let it stop by itself. The girl said that she wanted the swing to stop by itself, and slowly, slowly the swing came to a tranquillity stop. There was something securely moving about everyone waiting patiently for the swing to end.

As nosotros walked home, she took my hand. When nosotros got dwelling she easily went to her parents. I took her mother aside and gave her a brief description of what had happened, and the next mean solar day I checked in nearly how her daughter had been that evening. Her mother said that she was super calm and very tired at bedtime.

When I saw her playing in the backyard the next 24-hour interval, she gave me a big hug.

–Laura Podwoski, Berkeley, CA

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Source: https://www.handinhandparenting.org/2014/02/toddler-hits-you/

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